tell your sister to shave her snatch
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
