If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Randomize
