Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
