Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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