I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
