i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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