I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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