talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
