Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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