I CAN MOONWALK!
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
