First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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