OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
sarcasm needs its own font
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
