I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Randomize
