Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
