I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
