Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
