oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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