I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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