Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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