I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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