We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
