dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
