Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
