why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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