I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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