You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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