lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
