She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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