I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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