Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Randomize
