remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
