Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
