if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize