cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
