I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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