Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
