I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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