We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Randomize
