so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
