How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
