Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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