when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think I died a long time ago.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I love you. Go after that dick
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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