fuck your aforementioned shoe
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
The air was thick with penises
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
