I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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