i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
