have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
