It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
