So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
