highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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