Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
