I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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