He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I have tasted many bathrooms
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
