I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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