I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
