We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
