My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
